Take a breath, then let go.

You lose your best friend in high school. You lose your dog to a truck. You lose your boyfriend to some girl hotter than you. You lose your car to a ditch. You lose yourself while you're pretending to be someone you're not. Loss comes in many different forms. It comes in lies and truth. Loss hurts.

When you lose a part of yourself you feel empty, as if nothing can fill that space and make you whole again. Even if it's a loss that is temporary and will be filled in a few months.  Recently I've suffered a loss that no person would like to lose. No mother wants to lose a child, no matter how old they are. Whether it's to death or them leaving.

I never thought that I would feel like this, partially because when I got pregnant I wasn't expecting it. On top of that finding that the baby that's supposed to be in my uterus isn't there.

I was scared to be a mom. As I got used to having morning sickness, crying all the time and all the other fun things that come along with pregnancy I found myself growing with excitement. I cried happily at commercials with babies on them because one day I'm going to be a mom of a child. One day I'm going to not be able to sleep and get stressed out until my baby laughs for the first time. Until my child smiles at me and all the pain goes away. Until my baby falls asleep on my chest. I grew to be excited about being a mom until the day I found out that the baby doesn't exist... my body just believes it does, so it prepares for a child that never formed. I didn't get to hear a heart beat. I didn't get to see the tiny hands and legs. Instead I got a doctor who started her speech with an "I'm sorry." I got a husband who wouldn't let me go because he knew it hurt to bad for me to be alone. For the first time in my life, I felt the true meaning of loss, and at that moment nothing else in this world mattered. For the first time I cried for a reason that no one could tell me that I shouldn't be crying. I walked by the baby section at Shopko and tears streaked my face. I saw a mom that was about to go into labor any day and tears swelled in my eyes. I kept thinking that I was to blame. I would blame myself for going snowboarding or eating that cookie, even though I knew it didn't hurt anything, but what hurt the most that day was when my little sister blamed herself for it. When she said, "I hugged her stomach too hard."  

Loss will hurt, but it wont only hurt you. It will hurt your family to watch you hurt. That day I found that I have a family that will always be there no matter what. The family that will keep my mind off of it just so they don't have to watch me hurt. Who will make me laugh when I'm drowning myself in tears. That day was the day my husband and I grew closer(I didn't think that was possible). That day was the day I lost a part of me that I will never get back, but I gained strength from my family. I gained strength from the Lord and I know that one day I will have a beautiful family with as many babies as I would like. Loss is one thing that I will never get over, but it is something that made me grow stronger. Loss is one thing that made me realize what and who is important.