I am blessed.

Being so sick and down in the dumps has made me feel 

incredibly lucky and blessed. 

I'm blessed by the men in my life. 

I've watched more-than-a-few girls go through bad relationships

with men- I've been one of those girls, believe me. 

I could probably top a few lists with the jerks I've dated. 

But, I have always had 

these guys(not pictured- Grandpa Gene(RIP), Grandpa Owen, my Uncles, and my brothers.)---->

<---To keep me in line. 

That might sound a little funny to you. 

Some of you might be thinking, 

they're the strict men who sit out on the front porch 

with a shotgun ready to kill any jerk who hurt me, 

but Guess what- they're not. 

I mean, I'm sure they would be if they 

had even met half of the guys I dated, but they didn't. 

No, these guys kept me in line by being amazing men that I look up to. 

That I respect, and that I love. 

I wanted to make them proud

 and find a man just as amazing as them. 

 Then have a son to raise to be like them.

Because of that, these men,

 are the reason most of my relationships ended in failure. 

These men, are the reason half of the guys I dated didn't make it past two dates. 

Every time that I went on a date, at the end of it I would ask myself, "would I be okay with my dad or my grandfathers meeting him?" 

If it was a no, there wasn't another date. 

If it was a maybe, there would probably be a second date, but wouldn't go past that. 

If it was a yes, then it would last for awhile....and then end in a complete mess. 

Except for one particular man, 

This guy!---->

As most all of you know I met Ryan when I was 15,

11 months before he left on a Mission to Brazil for our church. 

We dated, we got to know each other, we fell in love. 

Then he broke up with me, he told me to 'date other guys' and 'enjoy high school'. 

LET ME TELL YOU- I was PISSED at him. 

I never cried, however. I was upset, I wanted my life to end 

just like any normal break-up would be but the tears would 

never come. 

Now I think it was because I knew deep down we were going 

to end up together.

 I knew he was the man for me, 

and I knew I wanted to be the woman for him.

Two and a half years later we were dating again. (yep, we didn't get back together 

the second he came home- I had to play hard to get at some point ;) )   

 7 months later we were married. 

A year (and a month) later we got this--->

  8months, of this crap, later--->

we met this cute little boy --->

Now, it has been 10 months and almost 5 days of having a rapid growing baby. 

And the little guy, who we fell so madly in love with, now looks like this--->

Scary, right. 

My baby boy has been one of the most amazing adventures

I have ever been blessed with. 

Before I gave birth to Xander, I knew just how many kids I was 

going to have. I knew there names- Xander, Ryley, Ryker, Oaklee, and 

that I would have boy, girl, boy, girl. 

I knew I wouldn't have a baby until 5 years after Ryan and I got married. 

Little did we know that there was a different plans for us. 

Now, I am blessed to know that plans don't always happen the way you expect. 

That four kids might not work out, but one healthy boy is an amazing blessing. 

I know that after all of the hard times, 

the illnesses, the 'down' days, the exciting days, 

the completely perfect days, the fun days,

the unbelievably horrible days, that I am blessed.

I am blessed to be alive. 

To be as healthy as I am- I know I could have it so much worse.

I am blessed to have amazing men in my life. 

To be able to get the chance to raise a son. 

To have a great family who will always have each others backs. 

To be so close to everyone in my family, and my husbands family. 

To be married into a loving and amazing family.

I am blessed to get to spend every day at home taking care of 

these two guys ---> 

. 

So, to the men in my life, thank you. 

Thank you for allowing me to be blessed, 

to be loved, and to be happy. 

Thank you for helping me see who was right, 

and who was not-so-right. 

Thank you for always having my back. 

Thank you for taking care of the women in your lives, 

for loving them in just-the-perfect ways to show me 

what LOVE is all about. 

Thank you for teaching me and helping me grow. 

Thank you for being incredible examples of what 

I want my son to be like.

Thank you for being the men in my life. 

I cannot begin to tell you all how much I love 

each and every one of you. 

Before you judge, here are the facts.

Around here(I'm sure in other places also.) people are quick to judge. They think that they DO know everything about every one and they think that they can talk badly to others about that person and it not get back to them. BUT, it does. It hurts, and it doesn't help anyone, it will just cause more problems. 

My little family has been having a lot of problems with this lately, about people who think they know but they really don't, So if you want to know THIS whole story, here it is. Go ahead and judge, but I want you to know all of the facts about what is going on. 

When I was younger I was diagnosed at Primary Children's Medical Hospital with Vasovagal Syncope. A vasovagal attack is an unwell feeling mediated by the Vagus Nerve, when that leads to syncope(fainting) it is called Vasovagal Syncope. 

Up until this past year I had, give or take, one or two attacks a year. It was never an issue and I could live with it. The problem with Vasovagal Syncope is there is nothing that can fix it, and there are many triggers to when I can have an attack. 

My Vasovagal attacks are caused by: 

• pain 
• unpleasant feelings(like hitting my funny bone too hard) 
• High pressure on or around the chest area after exercise
• Severe Menstrual Cramps
• Lack of sleep
• And just Random onsets. 
• dehydration

These are what cause my attacks, there are many people with this problem and there are many many more causes as to why those people have attacks. 

Some people can catch the attacks and lay down and put their feet up before they faint. I haven't been able to catch my attacks. I know when they are coming on, I get hot, I turn white, then I hit the ground. Once I start getting Hot is when I will freeze up, I'm not able to move, I can't talk, I can't let anyone know that I'm going to faint. The most that they know is that I look very very pale and they will have to help me lay on the ground with my feet in the air. Sometimes I don't get laid down fast enough and I will pass out laying on the ground.

 Once I wake up after I pass out, I get sick.  I will feel like i'm laying in a fire, running a fever, and I start puking, after I puke I will start freezing and shaking. Eventually I will be able to get into bed. When I get into bed I fall asleep if I can, if not I will shiver and feel sick until I get warmed up and my blood starts to pump normally again.  Once I wake up, or feel better I will feel like i'm starving(probably because of puking so much), so I get some food and some hydration then I will be fine and be able to go about my day at a slower pace. 

 I have done multiple tests, gone to multiple doctors. At one point, recently,  they didn't think it was Vasovagal Syncope at all, they thought I was having seizures or something much more serious. After CT scans, Xrays, MRI's, we did a Tilt-table test, and the doctor pretty much said what we have already heard, "You have Vasovagal Syncope, There is nothing that we can do about it. Drink more water. Eat more salt." blah blah blah. So we spent, and are still spending money on tests that didn't need to be done. 

A few months after my Vasovagal started acting up I ended up in the hospital with a horrible stabbing pain in my left and right flank area. I was sure that I was on my death bed, I had never been in so much pain. They took an Xray where they saw multiple Kidney stones. I had a small kidney stone on my left side of my body that was in the ureter heading out that they think was the cause of my Vasovagal acting up. On the right side of my body I had a small kidney stone at the top of my Kidney getting ready to come down the ureter and out, and another large kidney stone that was in the bottom of the Kidney that they said probably wouldn't come out. The doctor said he sees people with large kidney stones in the bottom of the kidney that never exits and never causes any problems or pain. 

Those small Kidneys passed with me passing out about 4 or 5 times and we went about our business living our every day life. Ryan went to work, Xander and I played lots and learned lots Then one day I passed out while talking to my mother. Luckily Ryan had just barely taken Xander off of my hands. On the way to the floor I hit my head on our desk, bounced off and hit my head on Xanders swing, back to the desk and down to the ground. Ryan got me in bed almost as soon as they got me to wake. I fell asleep almost instantly, and woke up a few hours later. I had a major headache and we are thinking a minor concussion because I don't remember it at all. That is when we started to realize that was something was wrong. A few weeks later I was passing out at least 2 times a day. I was in a lot of pain. That's when I passed two more kidney stones on the right side. 

We went to a doctor and he said that the big stone must be coming out. He didn't do an Xray and didn't test it, he sent me home with a prescription of Flomax and pain pills to see if the stone would pass through in a couple of days. A week later the stone had not passed, and I was still in pain and taking a pain pill ever 4 hours.

 I had to take the pain pills so often so that I didn't pass out, but couldn't drive or be alone with a baby with pain pills in my system so Ryan was forced to take FMLA(not paid) a lot more than we wanted. We went back to the doctor and he did an Xray. The stone had grown in size and he knew it wouldn't be able to come out on its own, but it was trying. Our doctor sent me to a Kidney Stone specialist who couldn't get us in his office for 6weeks. Our doctor pulled some strings and got an emergency appointment the next day. We went to the appointment, the kidney stone specialist pulled up the most recent Xray and decided we had no choice but to do a Lithroscopy procedure on my 6/5ml stone. We scheduled it for the next day, and the only day they could do within the month, which was December 7, 2012 at 7:00am. 

Lithroscopy Procedure is a procedure where they use ultrasound waves to bounce off water and hit the stone like a hammer. It is very painful so they put you under Anesthesia just like any other surgery. The full surgery lasted about 45 minutes and a few hours later I was doped up on pain killers and sent home. 

The rest of that day I had to drink lots of water, and strain my urine for the remaining of the stone. The first time I urinated there were little tiny hard sand like particles, not nearly as much as what needed to come out. It continued on a few more times until no stone pieces were coming out at all. I was still in a lot of pain, and It continued like this. I took my 5 days of Flomax to help the remaining kidney stone to come out and stayed on pain killers, but only when I absolutely HAD to have them. Ryan returned to work as often as he could while we waited. We called the doctor on the 13th but my doctor does surgerys on Thursdays and Fridays and we wouldn't be able to see him until the next week.

On the Sat. the 15th I had to drive Ryan to work that night after a family party, I was in pain, but I ignored it as much as I could. In the parking lot, I passed out. Ryan ran in and told the people that he worked with what had happened and that he couldn't come into work. He took me to the Logan hospital that night, where they took urine samples etc and re-hydrated me. They gave me pain pills and nausea pills through my IV and told me to call my doctor on Monday then sent me home. On Sunday I passed a larger piece of stone and felt a lot better but still had minor pain. 

Monday arrived and I was feeling better, we called the doctor to set up an appointment for Tuesday. That night I got the flu and Tuesday morning I knew I wasn't going to be able to make it to Logan with the flu. Ryan called them and rescheduled the appointment but found out my doctor would be doing surgery's. After a very heated conversation between my husband and the Nurse we figured we would just keep me on pain killers when I absolutely needed them, and call them on the 26th to get an emergency appointment. After Christmas, pain, puking and spending time with family and friends had past we called the doctors office to find out he would be out of town until January 7th. 

On the 26th we ended up having an emergency appointmen at our family doctor because we didn't know who else to call. I was in a lot of pain, out of pain killers, and feeling like I was on a death bed. 

Ryan had planned to go to work on the 28th until that morning when he woke up to get ready to leave he found out that I had woken up around 2am in pain, I went to the bathroom and passed out. When he had come up stairs I was trying to relax in the bath tub and I started to throw up uncontrollably. We had to get a different type of Pain killer because the pain killer I was prescribed didn't have any strength to it because the Pharmacy didn't have what was on the prescription so they gave me a brand of pain pills we already knew didn't work. This Past weekend I spent doped up on pain pills, in fact I probably take them so much i'm classified as an addict now and will end up in rehab(haha). 

I'm trying to "ignore the pain" but if you have ever had a kidney stone you know just how impossible that is. I've had multiple people tell me that they would rather have birth naturally than have a kidney stone, however most of these people are men, but I fully agree. At least with birth you get something good out of it, with a kidney stone you just get a rock! (: On the 7th we will be back in to my doctor, whether I have to just show up and demand he sees me or not because this has been absolutely ridiculous! I will never see this doctor again, and I will NEVER recommend him to anyone EVER! He is a great doctor, but his office and appointment scheduling is ridiculous! Our appointment time was whenever we felt like showing up as long as we showed up between 10-12. 

This whole thing has been hard on us. We aren't out partying, we go out when we absolutely HAVE to. We have been to one movie, and that was on the 28th and I cried through the last half because I was in so much pain. I have some good days and bad days, and I make Ryan go to work as much as he possibly can. I try to watch my baby as much as I can and when we can we try to get a babysitter so that Ryan can work and I can stay home to take care of myself but with Ryan having to get so much non-paid leave and us not being able to afford a babysitter it makes it all pretty difficult. So go ahead and judge us, we are just doing the best we can with what we have. Feel free to give us suggestions if you have a problem with this. Just remember before you give suggestions, walk a mile in my shoes. You try to deal with pain, with passing out then you can tell me how to run my life. 

No pain, no gain. Right.